New_life_2023
#+title: New_life_2023
About the New Life
- Death Stranding, the connection between people
- The principal contradiction
- Love in the Time of Cholera
- Must remember, writing this essay now is also forcing myself to organize my thoughts to face the future
- Accompanied by my journey to look at houses, summarizing and looking ahead
- Loss of Control & Mastery
- Clumsy -> Just need more practice.
Part One
On the subway last Sunday on my way to look at houses, I sat in the seat by the door, my hand covering my bowed head, feeling utterly miserable, like a stray dog.
This was the first time I felt the sensation of parting.
Too Perfect
This feeling of imperfection is not unfamiliar. What is imperfect is my restless heart, so I have always been searching, exploring, and experiencing, which has become a significant driving force in my life’s journey.
For nearly the past four years, there was no imperfection, but rather a sense of complacency, laziness, and indulgence.
Perfection is not about being flawless in every way. I want to reinterpret the meaning of this word: people have joys and sorrows, partings and reunions; the moon waxes and wanes, is bright and dim. The combination of all these phases is the truth. I don’t believe everything should be perfect. If there were only perfection, it would become utterly meaningless.
Apart from work, my life had gradually stagnated over the past period. We spent less and less time nurturing it. Specifically, chopsticks would be left to mold in the sink with no one having the heart to clean up. Our lives seemed to be dampened and drained of vitality in some water-like medium.
To put it bluntly, certain things in life gradually withered away. This is the only thing I am certain of at the moment. As for the rest of the problems, I know nothing. Being in the mountains, I only see jagged rocks, tangled roots, and unpredictable weather, while the mountain itself remains unseen.
I also don’t know where this suffocating feeling comes from. Did we mismanage it? Was the passion meant to fade? Or were we not prepared? I don’t know. I know it’s probably a bit of everything.
Part Two
Actually, I contacted a Ziroom apartment agent the night before and arranged to see some houses near Songjiang University Town around 2:30 PM on Sunday. Songjiang is too far from Yangpu, nearly a two-hour trip. The reason I didn’t go as planned wasn’t just because I woke up late. We watched some TV together at noon and only left the house at 1:30 PM. So, I informed the agent in advance that we’d reschedule, but I still set out to get a haircut.
Being overly depressed on the road isn’t good for mental health. A large, sudden dose of unfamiliar environments can easily trigger a stress response. Plus, since it was on the way, I impulsively decided to meet up with my familiar barber for a haircut.
Loss of Control
A person is a container, but the heart desires things beyond its capacity. When it can’t hold them, that’s a loss of control. What does that feeling taste like?
Clumsiness. Thinking about the short period ahead where I need to clumsily pick up the pieces of a solitary life gives me a headache. I was once familiar with this life and handled it with ease. However, after four years of neglect and lack of practice, I am no longer accustomed to it. The result is clumsiness—so clumsy that I don’t even know where to start writing this article.
Fear. Fear that my occasionally anxious heart will feel lost in the dim room after a nap, become restless, even scream silently, and then be filled with a sense of emptiness, rendering me unable to do anything until I start regretting having done nothing all day.
The feeling of losing control is painful, but when it comes down to it, it’s not entirely unfamiliar. It’s like when you write an item in your work TODO list that you don’t know how to implement—you get this feeling. Most of the time, as you gradually understand the matter better, solutions emerge. A sense of mastery gradually eats away at the feeling of loss of control, and your heart feels much more settled.
Mencius said: “If you seek, you will get it; if you give up, you will lose it. This seeking is beneficial for gaining, for the seeking lies within me. There is a way to seek it, but gaining it depends on fate. This seeking is not beneficial for gaining, for the seeking lies outside of me.”
The more I ponder these words, the more meaningful they become: Some things you can obtain simply by striving—straightforward, with so few variables affecting them, full of order. Other things have methods for striving to obtain them, but no guarantee of success. Between striving and obtaining, there exist countless variables, even inexplicable ones, truly a realm of chaos.
“Heaven and Earth are not benevolent; they treat all things as straw dogs.” The universe holds no malice towards humans. In such an objective world, people need to manage their relationship with their inner selves, expanding their human capacity amidst the pervasive loss of control. In this process, to avoid sinking into chaos, one must actively seek a sense of mastery. Abstractly summarized: I need to deliberately plunge into the abyss of chaos while simultaneously creating countless small universes filled with order within that chaos.
Life is like this. Work has actually been like this for a long time.
“Regret the past that cannot be admonished, know that the future can still be pursued.” We will all embark on new life journeys, and time will allow the seeds we plant to grow.
Part Three
It had been too long. Barber Jiawen and his team had moved to a new shop in Jiuting. Finally seeing a familiar face was truly a joy. My hair, grown out for over half a year, was also happy—it was finally time to perk up.
Jiawen poured me a glass of water, surprised that I had become like a wild man. Then he gave me a haircut like Oguri Shun’s style. Because I had gained a few pounds, I ended up looking more like Gao Xiaosong. I must lose weight.
Part Three Point Five
The feeling of loss of control also comes from work.
Part Four
I still insisted on meeting a few Lianjia agents to look at houses. Songjiang was much better than I imagined. The infrastructure was good, and it didn’t seem overly noisy. The rent was also considerably cheaper than in the city center.
After viewing the houses, I had a meal at a Shaanxi noodle restaurant with CZ. What was discouraging about this day was the feeling of loss of control, but partially familiar things and expectations for the future caught me. Perhaps it’s like: “Leaping in the abyss, no blame.”
Future Plans
Not finished, to be continued.