2020-06-30

Yesterday afternoon, I had a mental breakdown. Anxiety surged up, and I started feeling really awful. From around 4 or 5 PM until 7 PM, I decided I had to leave, but I basically accomplished nothing. During that time, I kept feeling that my work had lost its meaning, and I launched into a complaining mode. Just like I told Qiaobo on Sunday, both the company and the team have problems. The company’s problem is that the slogan of “walking on two legs” sounds loud but leaves no hope in sight, while the team’s problem is that my mentor’s management style is too authoritarian. I feel like I’m just a tool—every line of code I write has to follow his style, his design, with little autonomy. So I feel like the meaning of work is gone. On top of that, having already decided to leave, and the current task (TLM refactoring) feeling so abstract, I felt increasingly pressured.

But no matter what, I need to keep a good mindset, handle the tasks at hand, and set clear boundaries.